Day 42

I have been keeping a walking with Jesus Journal. Sometimes I have time to write down one sentences, sometimes just a couple words, sometimes I can fit in a half of page. However I am not overflowing and needing to unload the back pack of words, thoughts,and feelings that has been occurring during my transformation. So I am on day 42 of my new life. I am still Julie, I am wife, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend, a teacher, but suddenly I am feeling more calm, more at peace. A typical day before my transformation, involvement getting up in the morning feeling groggy and forcing myself to wake up and get the kids and I ready for the day. Get the kids dressed, get dress myself, feed the kids, go to work, enter the world of 16 children in a school and a co worker ready for me to put forth a wonderful team effort. Looking up to me and needing me in their world to care for them in the absence of their parents while I also sacrifice time with my own little one at home. At times I have to go like I am on auto pilot. I don't want to think that what I am doing is not important. I used to find that my work is rewarding to my soul daily. That I would not need or depend on the money from working with kids because the reward of impacting young children is without a doubt the most important thing I have ever done in my life. I have never felt up until the last 2 years or so "Whats in this job for me?" or "Why don't I get paid enough" or ungrateful for working so hard and barely making ends meet in my life. I kept feeling hte urge to take my hard earned Bachelors Degree in Community Services and Associates Degree in Child Development and find a better paying job. I have been struggling with self acceptance and self esteem issue since I was a young teenager. What am I doing in this body of mine. The only thing wrong in my life that constantly gets my spirit down is finances. Its the fact that my husband has worked so hard to find the right job and help support my need to be an impact in young childrens lives and not make much. I have always been supported but I still don't have enough to provide a comfortable living for my family. I kept on thinking that the times my husband recently got sick is like Gods work. He wants us to learn how to live minimally and overcome the doubts we both have in our own lives together. When people ask me why do I put up with Joe because he is not working? I get angry. I mean its is my responsibility and his to make a comfortable living for my children. It is me trying to feel like I have to measure up to my peer, my family and with all my doubts I was starting to bury myself alive in guilt. I was always guilty or worrying and missing out on precious time. My husband got sick. Life still goes on. My husband lost work again. But my husband loves me he loves his children and he is a good man. Why would God want him to have such a hard life. But as I read the bible stories it occurs to my my husband is a lot like Joseph in the bible. Always fighting the storm but not letting the storm destroy him. He gets sucksed down in the currents but rises back up. I don't think he could be here today without the spirit of GOD in him.

I have been feeling the call since I was about 23. I had been feeling the pull spiritually but fearing change, fearing the unknown. I never even moved out of my own home two other then a year at Ferris State University and a year in Brighton when we first got married. Little did I know if I could just say the words " I love Jesus" I believe in God" I want to walk with Jesus. I want to understand why bad things happened to good people and what that means. I start to see why things make sense. Why I exist. What my purpose is. We are all connected in this life and I new that what how I was raised was very much like an OLD Testament sort of life upbringing. There was always love in my family, there was always religion since I was raised in a multi-religious home. I am so happy to me so uniquely raised and yet I really follow this calling in my heart. Feeling like the black sheep for so long and then suddenly BOOM!!!!!!! I am Christian, I am saved, I am free to be me. 42 days my life still has uncertainties, my life still has joys, I still feel love, but I feel the freedom from guilt slipping off of me faster then I did in therapy in my youth. I feel the most truthful I have ever been. I feel the need to spread joy and peace in the world. I still wake up tired, and my sleeping problems are still their but I am praying more instead. I am praying like some people do yoga. I am going for walks and I am praying, and I am feeling my connection to the holy spirit. I feel so comfortable and safe. I am crying every night but I am not in pain when I cry. I feel this sensation when I pray that give mes the feeling like I am floating. Its kind of why I think addicts turn to God its a new high, its a new experience. It is a state of mind that completely entrances you to want to do good and be good. I did not understand what sins were. I did not understand what evil was. I do not feel the need to turn everyone around me in to Christ followers but I feel the need for people to not be afraid of their inner truths. I know that in a home that combined both Jewish traditions and Christian Traditions I know that was GODs Purpose for me and that was what GOD wanted for me. That I would come to know him while on earth. That I would be raised my two parents who showed that through dedication,perseverance and love that marriage works and lasts, and that life is not easy but the hard work is worth the sacrifice. I now understand when I feel the shadow of doubt looking upon me. When I feel I cannot face another set back I can surrender to GOD. I can pray. I do not have to feel guilty but I can just ask for forgiveness from those who I may have harmed or hurt, and ask for God to forgive me.

It is day 42 of my walk with Jesus and I am preparing for my right of passage. I have decided that I will getting baptized this summer. I have been talking with my husband and he was baptized when he had just turned 18. I will be back with more walking stories.